Chioma’s Bride price… An apologetics for our bride-price system.
Nigerian Pop singer Davido and his former -baby mama-now-wife Chioma lost their only child a few days ago. The young boy drowned in their family swimming pool.
Naturally, the question of where the boy will be buried came up. In our patrilineal society, that is a no-brainer: he must be buried in his father’s place.
But Our patrilineal society has certain expectations of men to enable them enjoy such privileges. A child born to an unwedded woman is, by tradition, the child of the woman and her family. Most native African cultures hold this same view.
Reports showed that Chioma’s family insisted that Ifeanyi is not an Adeleke and as such must be buried in his mother’s native home. The Adelekes showed great respect when they decided to pay Chioma’s bride price.
I would have hoped that these ceremonies would be performed under more pleasant circumstances. It breaks my heart that it is at a time of grief that the bereaved couple had to perform a ceremony that is otherwise joyous.
To begin with I want to say “thank you” to Chioma’s family for insisting on doing the right thing. And I also commend the Adelekes for choosing to respect igbo tradition.
It would seem some people, so called feminists, took up arms to fight against the bride-price system when the reports came. They are of the view that it is the same as selling a woman to her husband and his family. This is both untrue as it is debased. We must stop confusing our traditions with those of the white man.
Strictly speaking, there is no monolithic understanding of what a bride price is and what it entails. Different cultures hold different positions on the question.
I, for instance, is of Kalabari origin, the Kalabaris are a sub ethnic group within the wider ijaw tribe. In my place, on the day of marriage, AS A RULE my people would specifically tell the groom’s family three times: “meni febo mgbe fe-á” meaning he who marries the flesh does not buy the bones.”
What this implies is that a Kalabari bride is simply married to her husband, she isn’t his property. The implication of this is simple, upon her death, like her Beni counterpart, she must be returned to her father’s house for burial.
This culture of the Benis and Kalabaris is specifically intended to combat the notion that a wife is a chattel purchased at marriage. This notion is an ancient Western notion, it has nothing to do with African culture, at least igbo, Kalabari and Beni cultures. This is irrespective of the fact that bride-price were paid over such women.
Igbo tradition is dramatically different of course. A deceased bride is buried in her husband’s place but this is not to say she is a purchased chattel. An igbo bride is, upon marriage, considered a full-fledged member of her husband’s family not an invited guest. She is as such vested with the same rights as other members of that home. All rights (and perhaps more) she had in her parents home becomes vested on her at her husband’s. Yes, very different from the Kalabaris and Benis but the question of chattel doesn’t come into play. The bride price in igbo Land is considered a token for an exchange of consent not a price money for a goods so to speak.
Parental consent is an integral part of the validity of a traditional igbo, Kalabari, Benin and even Yoruba marriages. The payment of bride price is simply a symbolic gesture of exchange of such consent.
We make a mistake when we confuse the Western notion of dowry with our tradition of bride price. Until recently, dowry was paid in places like England because women were “bought” at marriage. English common law (roughly meaning English native law) specifically prescribes that women are chattel owned by their husbands. In fact, the same English common law actually allows for men to discipline their wivies, she is after all, a property. Most African cultures frown at it. I know certain igbo villages where a man who beats his wife will be publicly flogged for doing so.
In my place, beating a woman, particularly your wife is even considered a taboo. The reason is that the Kalabaris worship a female goddess: Waingi (our mother) women are as such considered living embodiments of that deity.
People who employ the same arguments used against the Western dowry system for our bride price system are confusing the facts and figures. Daughters were not considered owned by their fathers in the first place. They were just considered as another commodity waiting for future sale to their prospective husbands.
We must understand that when the West became more liberalised and parental consent became more trivial, the dowry system of the West became obsolete. Why? Because parental consent is not as deeply imbeded in the Western understanding of marriage as it is for us.
Marriage in the West is simply about two people in love, whatever that means 🙄. This explains why pro same-sex marriage arguments have succeeded more rapidly in the West than they have in Africa.
How? Because it is just about two people in love.
For us it is not enough that two people love each other, the position of their parents and the community is crucial for validity. Your business is everybody’s business whether you like it or not. For us, marriage is not simply about two people. It is about two families; two peoples and sometimes two traditions.
– “Is our communal-tradition the best?”No.
– “Should there room for adjustments?” Yes, there should be.
But you can’t tell me the self referential traditions of the West is best. A tradition where people think only about themselves can’t be better than a community oriented tradition. I agree that sometimes we tend to be extreme in our communal system of living but the insular and self-absorbed traditions of the White Man is ludicrous.
Let us allow the Westerners to maintain and reform their structures as they deem fit. We can do the same with ours.
I perfectly understand why many people are uneasy with the bride price system. And like all else, i believe it can and should be reformed but our criticisms should be truthful and honest. We shouldn’t muddle up our traditions with those of the West. The reforms they require for their traditions is unique to them as ours is to us.
Once again, my sincerest condolences to Davido and Chioma Adeleke for the loss of your son. But in every dark cloud there is always a silver lining so I say a “hearty congratulations on your new status as man and wife.”
God bless your family.
Credit: Facebook< Patrick Alexander B
